Ojai, California

So, the first five years of marriage is great for most people. These five years will either make or break you. I found out that on the hard edge of being a teenager that adulthood is nothing to be celebrating.

Ojai, California Just outside of town little walking park

Ojai, California Main Street

Zaq and I had just gotten married, we were living in Ojai, California.

This is a small rendering of our first apartment. I loved it. I was going to turn it into the cover of Desert Book Catalog. We barely had any furniture. I was lucky at the time Zaq picked out this apartment and began paying for it before we got married, it was a complete surprise for me to come to our first home together. I both loved and hated being there.

Our first living room. I was the one that started our
DVD/Blu ray collection. Now we just use the Firestick
with the Terrium App. Check out that old school television.

Ahh, I miss that couch. Nothing says comfy couch like levi.

I loved being a new wife that didn't have to work, I waited all day long for my hubby to come home and be with me. I loved putting on my little duty hat and pretending that the house actually needed to be cleaned, we didn't have any kids at the time so looking back and pretending to clean that apartment was an accurate statement. I tried playing chef, but the best meals I could come up with were spaghetti with marinara sauce or quesadillas. As a wedding gift I even got a cook book, but I was too intimated to make any of the meals from Better Homes and Garden First Cook Book. That book to me still is intimating.

Kitchen Entry Island
I miss that Island

Kitchen Area

Hey look for once clean dishes.
I think that was the only time I actually
did dishes without a never ending battle.

Our Dining Area

I loved being so in love that when Zaq would come home the kisses were passionate like they always are in the beginning of any relationship. The long kisses and holding each other and just laying next to each other. Ahh the romance. But for me it was completely different. I loved Zaq and Zaq loved me, but sex wasn't sex for me, for me it was a time where Zaq was in control and I would lay there lifeless. I hated sex my brain just couldn't shut off every time was a process for me to wrap my head around. Zaq would try so hard to make me happy and to get me to enjoy sex and I couldn't. I couldn't figure it out, this was a our first real time trying for sex, for those orgasms that every other woman could have. Not me, there was something wrong with me. We would try different ways of enjoying sex and I couldn't do it. Zaq could always finish, but not me. Zaq would try stimulating me in other areas in other ways and I just couldn't handle it. I would utterly shut down.

ah reflecting 10 years later, one dresser with
 three drawers lol. Plus listening to music
before bedtime to help you fall asleep.

Such a small laundry list

ahh back when we tried to sleep under the same blanket.
We discovered we're burrito baby sleepers
separate blankets for everyone lol.

There was also part of me that hated this apartment. I hated living in Ojai because Zaq would leave for work then come home. He would come home from work so stressed over his job that playing video games was his way of dealing with the stress. Something I could never understand I had observed other marriages where when the spouses come home after a long days work they sit down and spend time with their families watching the news or some melodrama television. Not go in another room and play video games with their brothers. At that time Zaq and his brothers were playing a game called Warhammer Online. One would play a tank, another a healer, and the last warrior, now for those that don't video game this is called the holy trinity of gaming where you go in and kill everything in your path while having a body guard and healer. This was Zaq's way of dealing with the stress from his job, but this wasn't something I was a part of. I hated it. I hated watching him do something in our home without me. Isn't it enough that he got to leave the apartment and interact with other people? What was worse was we were living in Ojai California, I knew no one, I didn't even know how to find a Wendy's. I knew where the grocery store was, I knew where the McDonalds and Taco Bell was, partially because they were right next door to each other, but other than that I was in a whole new place and I couldn't for the life of me figure out where anything was.

Shower

So little space for such a small couple lol

Self Reflection 2008

Luckily Jackie lived 8 blocks from our apartment. She was living in a house owned by her father. She lived there with a few of her other children. First there was Jesse and Rosanna they had been married for a few years he was working as a special effects artist but was in between landing his big break. Joe and Arissa lived there as well they had been married 4 months before we were. They were both working at the Ojai Valley Inn and Spa as well and enjoying being newly weds without having to worry about money. Jackie had been raised in Ojai and knew a lot of the families in our ward. I was such a small little tiny mouse at the time that I don't even remember one name of someone that I might have met there at the time. Jackie had a calling to make sure that the missionaries had somewhere to go for meals. I loved that, because whenever they didn't have somewhere to go they would either land at Jackie's house and we would all join her, or they would land at my house and I got to play special little house wife and make sure that dinner was planned out in just the right time.

Lookout at Ojai, CA

Vineyards of Oaji, California

In this apartment is also where I experienced my first real earth quake. It was hilarious because I was sitting at home and suddenly I felt something like a giant pushing around one of the apartment walls, just one big push and then it was all over.

Then after three months of living in Ojai Zaq came home and announced that he had been laid off. The company realized that three managers in Inn room dining was one too many. Luckily the company didn't want Zaq to sue for wrongful termination so they gave a generous severance package. I call this time in my life our real honeymoon.

After coming home that night and announcing that Zaq had lost his job we came up with a game plan. We went and approached Jackie to see if we can move in with her, what was one more couple in the house? Well Arissa was acting Matriarch of the house at the time, she was planning on turning Zaq's old room into her office and didn't want her plans to be interrupted. She offered us another room in the house, a room without a door, it was a pool room that was attached to the living room. It had no door, just a sliding access door to the back yard and a front door that was accessed through the living room. Arissa and Zaq are brother and sister, but could never see eye to eye with each other on their decisions, so Zaq moved up and moved on and decided that the best place for us to be then was back in Utah.

Back in the day when we all lived in Ojai we all made a tradition of going to get dinner together for Taco Tuesdays. Loved this place. Loved hanging with these folks.

Jesse, Rosanna, Jackie and Hyrum

Joe, Arissa, Me, and Zaq

the beginning and the end

So this blog is dedicated to the feelings that we all have when it comes to death and life.

Alright so a lot of things are currently happening in my life that this post will cover. I just hope that I can contain all comments and thoughts into a coherent statement.

So one thing that is happening this weekend is that my grandmother is finally moving to Salt Lake City from Wickenburg Arizona she will no longer be a migratory bird that flies away at the first sign of bad weather in Utah. I am so happy for her to be able to move back to Utah where she can be close to her youngest son, and youngest grandchild. I love that she has this opportunity to live where she pleases.

There is a down side to her moving it means that the house that my grandma and grandpa purchased together will no longer be available for us to visit. Which in all actually hasn't happened in almost 10 years. My grandpa died 12 years ago this July, and I can't help but see him down in Wickenburg Arizona. He lived down there for like three years by himself before my grandma could retire and join him down there. So every Holiday or four day weekend was a constant trip down to Arizona. Even my cousin and I remember having summer vacations with just Grandpa for the summer months down in Arizona. But it's over now. I think it hit me again today that my Grandpa really is gone. He would have been 79 this year, but alas I didn't celebrate him. I remembered him for a fleeting moment, but as life does one of the kids distracted me from a full moments remembrance for the man.

Coincidentally enough I actually got married on this death date two years later without even thinking about. But back to my point is that when death hits our families we can go about it one of two ways. We can give up all hope and fall into the depths of despair at the lose of our family member and the fact that some people believe that we will never see that person again. On the other side some people exhibit faith and hope that there is more to this life than just this. Some like me believe that life is eternal that through the atonement of Jesus Christ we can live again.

Now up to this point on this blog I have been silent about my religion because it me it wasn't anything that I should preach about it. I've lived all my life in Utah and in Utah there are two types of people. People that are Mormon and people that aren't. People that aren't Mormon don't want to hear about Mormons because they are constantly bombarded by Mormons. But now that I no longer live in Utah and people are open to what I have to say I am more willing and able to talk about my religion, my beliefs and weird things that I believe in.

Now that being said I'm not one of those typical Mormons that won't talk to you even if you tell me that you're atheist believe me I respect all other religions. Just because we say that our church is the one true church doesn't mean that we are trying belittle your religion. We say that because we believe that our church has the true gospel of Christ. Now if your Jewish or whatever I'm not gonna go out and have a heated argument about religion because to me there is more there is more to a person than just their religious beliefs. This is something important that my grandpa taught me. Just because he didn't believe in the Church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints doesn't mean that he didn't believe in Jesus Christ himself. Surprisingly enough to my family my grandpa was a spiritual man that did believe in the after life. He even had us read a poem about how he's not sleeping in his grave and that we shouldn't weep for him.

A few nights before he actually pasted away I got the opportunity to sit and visit with him one last time because in the back of my mind I knew that I wouldn't get the opportunity again. So I went to the hospital where he was staying and just had to sit and visit with him. I began crying, which for my grandpa was blackmail. He hated to see people cry because it made him feel so uncomfortable. But I cried anyway and told him of my feelings that I felt that it would be the last thing we would do together. He sympathized with me and told me to stop crying because he believed that he would still be there in the after life. He told me that it was selfish of me to cry for those that have died because it's just us missing them. And those that have died and departed this earthly life are living in paradise.

A prophet by the name of Joseph Smith said "The telestial kingdom is so great, if we knew what it was like we would kill ourselves to get there." Now for those of you that don't know this phrase go find an LDS missionary, those are the ones with name tags on their chests walking all around the globe. You can ask them and they'll tell you what I'm talking about in a heart beat. But essentially what it is, is the lowest level of heaven that we believe is attainable in the after life.

But anyway back to the subject on point there are many things in this life that can lead someone to be depressed and dwell upon their own life and feel inadequate but what I suggest people do if forget themselves, go find someone that needs help and help that person. Currently whenever I feel depressed about our financial situation (because it's not perfect) I focus on what do my kids need right this moment .... Breakfast? Lunch? Dinner? they need a little me time? Okay great. They need help turning on cartoons, alright that is my form of service right now. But one day I hope to do more, to be more, but until that day happens all I can do is just keep swimming, just keep swimming. 

So step out of your funk and go about your day with a light in your step and know that God is with you in all things.