Ojai, California

So, the first five years of marriage is great for most people. These five years will either make or break you. I found out that on the hard edge of being a teenager that adulthood is nothing to be celebrating.

Ojai, California Just outside of town little walking park

Ojai, California Main Street

Zaq and I had just gotten married, we were living in Ojai, California.

This is a small rendering of our first apartment. I loved it. I was going to turn it into the cover of Desert Book Catalog. We barely had any furniture. I was lucky at the time Zaq picked out this apartment and began paying for it before we got married, it was a complete surprise for me to come to our first home together. I both loved and hated being there.

Our first living room. I was the one that started our
DVD/Blu ray collection. Now we just use the Firestick
with the Terrium App. Check out that old school television.

Ahh, I miss that couch. Nothing says comfy couch like levi.

I loved being a new wife that didn't have to work, I waited all day long for my hubby to come home and be with me. I loved putting on my little duty hat and pretending that the house actually needed to be cleaned, we didn't have any kids at the time so looking back and pretending to clean that apartment was an accurate statement. I tried playing chef, but the best meals I could come up with were spaghetti with marinara sauce or quesadillas. As a wedding gift I even got a cook book, but I was too intimated to make any of the meals from Better Homes and Garden First Cook Book. That book to me still is intimating.

Kitchen Entry Island
I miss that Island

Kitchen Area

Hey look for once clean dishes.
I think that was the only time I actually
did dishes without a never ending battle.

Our Dining Area

I loved being so in love that when Zaq would come home the kisses were passionate like they always are in the beginning of any relationship. The long kisses and holding each other and just laying next to each other. Ahh the romance. But for me it was completely different. I loved Zaq and Zaq loved me, but sex wasn't sex for me, for me it was a time where Zaq was in control and I would lay there lifeless. I hated sex my brain just couldn't shut off every time was a process for me to wrap my head around. Zaq would try so hard to make me happy and to get me to enjoy sex and I couldn't. I couldn't figure it out, this was a our first real time trying for sex, for those orgasms that every other woman could have. Not me, there was something wrong with me. We would try different ways of enjoying sex and I couldn't do it. Zaq could always finish, but not me. Zaq would try stimulating me in other areas in other ways and I just couldn't handle it. I would utterly shut down.

ah reflecting 10 years later, one dresser with
 three drawers lol. Plus listening to music
before bedtime to help you fall asleep.

Such a small laundry list

ahh back when we tried to sleep under the same blanket.
We discovered we're burrito baby sleepers
separate blankets for everyone lol.

There was also part of me that hated this apartment. I hated living in Ojai because Zaq would leave for work then come home. He would come home from work so stressed over his job that playing video games was his way of dealing with the stress. Something I could never understand I had observed other marriages where when the spouses come home after a long days work they sit down and spend time with their families watching the news or some melodrama television. Not go in another room and play video games with their brothers. At that time Zaq and his brothers were playing a game called Warhammer Online. One would play a tank, another a healer, and the last warrior, now for those that don't video game this is called the holy trinity of gaming where you go in and kill everything in your path while having a body guard and healer. This was Zaq's way of dealing with the stress from his job, but this wasn't something I was a part of. I hated it. I hated watching him do something in our home without me. Isn't it enough that he got to leave the apartment and interact with other people? What was worse was we were living in Ojai California, I knew no one, I didn't even know how to find a Wendy's. I knew where the grocery store was, I knew where the McDonalds and Taco Bell was, partially because they were right next door to each other, but other than that I was in a whole new place and I couldn't for the life of me figure out where anything was.

Shower

So little space for such a small couple lol

Self Reflection 2008

Luckily Jackie lived 8 blocks from our apartment. She was living in a house owned by her father. She lived there with a few of her other children. First there was Jesse and Rosanna they had been married for a few years he was working as a special effects artist but was in between landing his big break. Joe and Arissa lived there as well they had been married 4 months before we were. They were both working at the Ojai Valley Inn and Spa as well and enjoying being newly weds without having to worry about money. Jackie had been raised in Ojai and knew a lot of the families in our ward. I was such a small little tiny mouse at the time that I don't even remember one name of someone that I might have met there at the time. Jackie had a calling to make sure that the missionaries had somewhere to go for meals. I loved that, because whenever they didn't have somewhere to go they would either land at Jackie's house and we would all join her, or they would land at my house and I got to play special little house wife and make sure that dinner was planned out in just the right time.

Lookout at Ojai, CA

Vineyards of Oaji, California

In this apartment is also where I experienced my first real earth quake. It was hilarious because I was sitting at home and suddenly I felt something like a giant pushing around one of the apartment walls, just one big push and then it was all over.

Then after three months of living in Ojai Zaq came home and announced that he had been laid off. The company realized that three managers in Inn room dining was one too many. Luckily the company didn't want Zaq to sue for wrongful termination so they gave a generous severance package. I call this time in my life our real honeymoon.

After coming home that night and announcing that Zaq had lost his job we came up with a game plan. We went and approached Jackie to see if we can move in with her, what was one more couple in the house? Well Arissa was acting Matriarch of the house at the time, she was planning on turning Zaq's old room into her office and didn't want her plans to be interrupted. She offered us another room in the house, a room without a door, it was a pool room that was attached to the living room. It had no door, just a sliding access door to the back yard and a front door that was accessed through the living room. Arissa and Zaq are brother and sister, but could never see eye to eye with each other on their decisions, so Zaq moved up and moved on and decided that the best place for us to be then was back in Utah.

Back in the day when we all lived in Ojai we all made a tradition of going to get dinner together for Taco Tuesdays. Loved this place. Loved hanging with these folks.

Jesse, Rosanna, Jackie and Hyrum

Joe, Arissa, Me, and Zaq

Vent Session. Right Now. BIG Ol BITCH FEST.

Alright so I've a beef with the great man upstairs.

I've been married for 10 years. 10 whole years of getting to know one another. Our pros, our cons. The words of Henry Higgins I've grown accustomed to [his] face. (One my favorite musicals as a personal side note). But seriously this has got to be the joke of the century right?

So Zaq and I have been married 10 years. When we first enjoyed that first year of marital bliss he idealized what kind of dad he would be. He wanted to be one of those dads whose kids are excited to see when he comes home. (Which they are)

He used to say that when we would have kids that I could stay at home with the kids and that when he would arrive home that would be when he would take over the responsibilities of being a parent and give me a break. Rarely Happens. Like tonight. I was hoping to get a certain part of the house cleaned up, but as usual Alexander our 8 month old son just wanted Mommy so I caved and feed him and cuddled him, tried putting him down, but that wasn't about to happen on Alexander's watch. So I check in with Zaq to see if he can put on his dad hat so that I can put on my maid hat and work, but did that work. THAT'S A BIG OL' NO.

Let me have a girls night so that he can have a boys night. Today was the first time in three months I left the house for two hours I was gone all by myself ..... Oh wait no I wasn't I had to take Alexander because when I leave Alexander with Zaq Alexander wigs out and just cries the whole time I'm gone.

Don't get me wrong. I love my kids. I'm happy they are here. I hope in the future that this parenting job that I signed up for gets easier.

Or at least when they get older they are not so clinging. Oh wait. My favorite moment from today we were all watching Cars 3, I had just gotten back from visiting a friend who just had her brand new baby (which I got to hold, and can I just say "OMGoodness Babies are soooo tiny and cute, made me want a new one all over again, but luckily I'm not baby hungry right now with three kids that are so dependent upon me to provide for them) and I walk in and all of sudden Aiden our 5 year old jumps into my arms to be held, followed by our two year old, Layoni. Which as a mom you want that relationship with our kids. But as I sat down to get comfy and enjoy the movie Aiden just wanted to snuggle with me. Then about ten minutes into getting comfy with Zaq, Me and Aiden Layoni wants to join the cuddle fest so we make room for her to snuggle Zaq, but she doesn't want that either. So I'm snuggling two kids on my lap and Zaq is sitting there solo on the couch watching Cars 3.

Like don't get me wrong I feel bad for the guy that his kids don't like him as much as they love Mom because lets be realistic here I'm a doormat that lets them get away with everything because I just want them to behave with me. So punishments are less severe with Mom than when they are with Dad. But man does that make it tough on Mama.

Zaq claims I'm just a big Ol' Mama Bear that doesn't let go of my kids ever. But I don't think that true I'm constantly yelling at my kids to behave and stop acting like a "BUTTHEAD" a common word said around the house. Butthead. even now I'm laughing about it.

Don't get me wrong Ladies and Gentlemen I'm very lucky to have married Zaq. He has provided for me for 10 years. For 10 long years I've never had to get a job, unless I've really wanted one.

But in that 10 years he's been able to ditch the kids to further his career. What career can I take away from my experience with Aiden, Layoni, or Alexander. None. They had this cool seminar at the library about child care and child development mentally and physically that I was really interested in. Two hours once a month. that's it, and I couldn't even make that.

I remember finally consenting to having kids and I'm still happy I had my kids, they are awesome kids with awesome personalities but for reals when did I sign the paper work for 24 hour 7 days a week job? I thought I signed up with a partner that would help me with our kids, not just pay all the bills. Which I'm grateful for.

The turn side about my vent session is that I guess things could always be worse. I could be married to a man that enjoys partying and is never home. But that's not the case he's home every night. I could always be married to man that is 24/7 his career. But I'm not I married a man who enjoys video gaming and has shown that to our children and they enjoy sitting with him and watching him play video games.

I guess what I'm really venting is just the normal stuff that happens in an everyday relationship. Right?

Well from One Mama to the next. I think it's time for girls night soon.

Teenage Molestation

Alright so currently my method of writing in this blog have been when I'm feeling passionate about the subject in which I'm writing. But this post will be completely different.

I want to write about childhood molestation and the relationship I had with men due to the series of events following.

Warning this will have adult content please read with care and caution.

Warning

Warning

Alright I've already gone public with the molestation that happened when I was about 5. Because of this event I believed that men had the right to touch me, and those that didn't touch me I felt had rejected me in some way. That they didn't like me. Which for an only child (who lives off of any attention that given to them) was really hard for me to understand.

I remember sitting on the couch next to my great uncle and stretching out next to him take up the whole couch waiting for him to put his hand on my stomach or something weird like that, but it never happened and at first when he didn't reach out I thought there was something wrong with me. That I had done something wrong. That I was different in some way. I didn't understand that grown men don't touch little children in an inappropriate way. They hug them or are affectionate in other ways.

With my parents going back and forth in their marriage I realized that I could still have a relationship with men where nothing was expected of me besides to have a decent conversation. I learned to speak to my grandpa. A man that I miss everyday speaking with. He has since passed away like many other great men of my life, but that is for another post.

Grandpa John's leading line was let me ask you a question. That was his opening line. It wasn't to offend or anything, it was to get your opinion on certain things that he thought about it as well. I loved sitting with him. He was safe. He never would do anything to hurt me. I grew to learn that this relationship of communication is the most important step in life. If you can't openly communicate with your partner or companion or friends you're not going to get far in this life.

During one of the off times in my parents marriage we had chosen to go on have a date night with my parents. Which meant that my mother and step dad were in the works of moving back in together to try and be a family unit again. I was hopeful because there was something nice around the holidays with my step dad. He always went above and beyond for them, whether we could afford it or not.

But this one night we all decided to go to the drive in movie theater. At the time my step dad had to decided to rent out my bedroom to a room mate named Domingo. A guy in his twenties that had just been laid off that day. I was about twelve so my recollection of earlier that day are fuzzy. I remember my step dad talking about he wanted to go the movies and how we should invite Domingo since he was having a really bad day. I remember seeing Domingo in my room. He was sitting in my room smoking a cigarette and drinking a beer or two. His eye were so white and blood shot against his tanner skin tone.

I wasn't scared of Domingo growing up. He had started to come around Ralph my step dad a few weeks prior and we had communicated through picking on each other (a.k.a. tickling one another) in reflection this was a dangerous situation that I probably couldn't avoid no matter who it was. I really wanted people's attention and I loved getting smiles out of people back then in the form of tickling. I never thought about the consequences of my actions. I was twelve what can you expect?

So there we were Domingo and I hiding in the back of a flat bed truck so that we can sneak into the theater and save on money because even back then money was tight. So as soon as Domingo and I were situated hiding under pillows and blankets he began groping me and touching me. I would stop it, but nothing stopped those hands. I couldn't control it. Upon driving through the gate we all got situated to watch the movie. Domingo and I in the front by the tail and Ralph and my mom Cathy by the cab of the truck. I was hoping that with the movie being on that Domingo would focus on something other than me, but that didn't happen all through the movie I was molested.

Upon the end of the movie I quickly moved to be next to my mom. Nothing could have moved me from that spot once I had decided to move. After moving to the new spot everyone encouraged me to move back, but I just stayed there and fell asleep because I wasn't interested in viewing the next movie.

The next day I told my mom what had happened and she in turn relayed the information onto Ralph. Ralph felt bad about the situation, but ultimately decided that distance between me and Domingo was the correct approach to the situation. I was to keep my hands to myself i.e. no more tickling and Domingo was not to touch me again.

My mom and Ralph eventually joined together one last time to give it a go and make their marriage a success story. Ralph was still friends with Domingo and would invite him to join us on Holidays or to the movies on the weekend. I never felt any ill will towards Domingo, but I kept my distance. When I was about 15 Domingo gave it another go for me.

He came over to visit Ralph, but Ralph was busy playing on his computer, don't ask me what I can't recall even what he would do on the computer (knowing my luck Porn because that's what the internet is for right?). So Domingo slipped into my room. I was watching some Disney movie and when Domingo came in I was quickly set on edge as to his presence. I told him that I was watching a movie and that he should leave, but he came and sat next to me on my bed, of course it had to be my bed I could have some chair in their. As we watched the movie in silence he put his arm around me and placed my head in his lap. For whatever reason I went along with it, I kick myself in the head now about it, but at 15 I was too naive  to figure anything out. At the end of the movie Domingo leaned down and kissed my forehead. I freaked out and told him to get out of my room and made a big scene about the fact that he was in room to begin with. I just remember trying to force my door to close so that he couldn't get back in.

Later that night after he had left I told Ralph and my mom what had happened. Ralph's reaction has been my favorite. It was my fault. If I hadn't been in my room then Domingo never would have been in there in the first place. It was all my fault. I couldn't believe it. I hated Ralph at that moment. To even think of blaming the teenager for a man in his 20s is doing and knows is wrong or at least illegal. I heard a few years back that Domingo had finally found a teenagers bed that was willing to accept him. A friend of a friend of Ralphs. Some girl that I had actually known once and played with on several occasions. I felt bad for her, but I was happy that it wasn't my bed that I he had landed in.

So that's my molestations stories all in one entry. I have tried very hard to not let the series of events that have happened in my past not affect how I react to people now a days. It's a struggle for sure. To this day I don't understand fully how to react to some people. Some times I get along better with men than I do women and women just look at me as if I am going to cause some affair with their husbands. Other times my hubby tells me that guys are checking me out and I'm completely oblivious to it. I don't understand most human interactions.

I never did get counseling for the things that have happened to me, but I would encourage anyone at any time that has been faced with the same situation to seek help. Find someone to talk to. Surprisingly enough I found myself talking about with boys that were interested in dating me. I knew I had to warn them that touching me could be an explosive moment for me because of the trauma that I had faced in my past. Luckily with me divulging this information I was actually able to help a friend when his wife was rapped. I wish him and her all the best of luck with the trials, but I know that they have what it takes to make their marriage last through the test of time.

I have two pieces of advice

First to women - to those that have been taken advantage of it is not your fault. Please seek counseling. Find someone to talk to about what is going on your head. You don't have to go through this alone. Someone will always want to be there for you, to listen to you, to help you cope and to talk you off that ledge of total disaster. Be patient with yourself. You'll want to act like nothing happened, but something did happen to you, something that will trigger when you least expect it. Be open and patient with your partner.

To men - Something that I have been grateful for all these years is the patience that my husband had with me. It's taken us 10 years for me to relax and enjoy snu snu. There have been times where my brain puts flashes into my brain of the past and I immediately tense up, not because of what Zaq has done to me, but because those scars that are invisible are irreversible I can't undo them. All I can do is warn him where my body triggers those flashes and hope that when he does touch me that I can remain calm. Please be patient with your women folk it's not easy for them to open up and relive those moments to explain what's going on with her. There have been many times that I have pushed Zaq away for the flashes in my brain there is nothing I can do about them they are apart of me. But I think I am getting closer to being free.