Ojai, California

So, the first five years of marriage is great for most people. These five years will either make or break you. I found out that on the hard edge of being a teenager that adulthood is nothing to be celebrating.

Ojai, California Just outside of town little walking park

Ojai, California Main Street

Zaq and I had just gotten married, we were living in Ojai, California.

This is a small rendering of our first apartment. I loved it. I was going to turn it into the cover of Desert Book Catalog. We barely had any furniture. I was lucky at the time Zaq picked out this apartment and began paying for it before we got married, it was a complete surprise for me to come to our first home together. I both loved and hated being there.

Our first living room. I was the one that started our
DVD/Blu ray collection. Now we just use the Firestick
with the Terrium App. Check out that old school television.

Ahh, I miss that couch. Nothing says comfy couch like levi.

I loved being a new wife that didn't have to work, I waited all day long for my hubby to come home and be with me. I loved putting on my little duty hat and pretending that the house actually needed to be cleaned, we didn't have any kids at the time so looking back and pretending to clean that apartment was an accurate statement. I tried playing chef, but the best meals I could come up with were spaghetti with marinara sauce or quesadillas. As a wedding gift I even got a cook book, but I was too intimated to make any of the meals from Better Homes and Garden First Cook Book. That book to me still is intimating.

Kitchen Entry Island
I miss that Island

Kitchen Area

Hey look for once clean dishes.
I think that was the only time I actually
did dishes without a never ending battle.

Our Dining Area

I loved being so in love that when Zaq would come home the kisses were passionate like they always are in the beginning of any relationship. The long kisses and holding each other and just laying next to each other. Ahh the romance. But for me it was completely different. I loved Zaq and Zaq loved me, but sex wasn't sex for me, for me it was a time where Zaq was in control and I would lay there lifeless. I hated sex my brain just couldn't shut off every time was a process for me to wrap my head around. Zaq would try so hard to make me happy and to get me to enjoy sex and I couldn't. I couldn't figure it out, this was a our first real time trying for sex, for those orgasms that every other woman could have. Not me, there was something wrong with me. We would try different ways of enjoying sex and I couldn't do it. Zaq could always finish, but not me. Zaq would try stimulating me in other areas in other ways and I just couldn't handle it. I would utterly shut down.

ah reflecting 10 years later, one dresser with
 three drawers lol. Plus listening to music
before bedtime to help you fall asleep.

Such a small laundry list

ahh back when we tried to sleep under the same blanket.
We discovered we're burrito baby sleepers
separate blankets for everyone lol.

There was also part of me that hated this apartment. I hated living in Ojai because Zaq would leave for work then come home. He would come home from work so stressed over his job that playing video games was his way of dealing with the stress. Something I could never understand I had observed other marriages where when the spouses come home after a long days work they sit down and spend time with their families watching the news or some melodrama television. Not go in another room and play video games with their brothers. At that time Zaq and his brothers were playing a game called Warhammer Online. One would play a tank, another a healer, and the last warrior, now for those that don't video game this is called the holy trinity of gaming where you go in and kill everything in your path while having a body guard and healer. This was Zaq's way of dealing with the stress from his job, but this wasn't something I was a part of. I hated it. I hated watching him do something in our home without me. Isn't it enough that he got to leave the apartment and interact with other people? What was worse was we were living in Ojai California, I knew no one, I didn't even know how to find a Wendy's. I knew where the grocery store was, I knew where the McDonalds and Taco Bell was, partially because they were right next door to each other, but other than that I was in a whole new place and I couldn't for the life of me figure out where anything was.

Shower

So little space for such a small couple lol

Self Reflection 2008

Luckily Jackie lived 8 blocks from our apartment. She was living in a house owned by her father. She lived there with a few of her other children. First there was Jesse and Rosanna they had been married for a few years he was working as a special effects artist but was in between landing his big break. Joe and Arissa lived there as well they had been married 4 months before we were. They were both working at the Ojai Valley Inn and Spa as well and enjoying being newly weds without having to worry about money. Jackie had been raised in Ojai and knew a lot of the families in our ward. I was such a small little tiny mouse at the time that I don't even remember one name of someone that I might have met there at the time. Jackie had a calling to make sure that the missionaries had somewhere to go for meals. I loved that, because whenever they didn't have somewhere to go they would either land at Jackie's house and we would all join her, or they would land at my house and I got to play special little house wife and make sure that dinner was planned out in just the right time.

Lookout at Ojai, CA

Vineyards of Oaji, California

In this apartment is also where I experienced my first real earth quake. It was hilarious because I was sitting at home and suddenly I felt something like a giant pushing around one of the apartment walls, just one big push and then it was all over.

Then after three months of living in Ojai Zaq came home and announced that he had been laid off. The company realized that three managers in Inn room dining was one too many. Luckily the company didn't want Zaq to sue for wrongful termination so they gave a generous severance package. I call this time in my life our real honeymoon.

After coming home that night and announcing that Zaq had lost his job we came up with a game plan. We went and approached Jackie to see if we can move in with her, what was one more couple in the house? Well Arissa was acting Matriarch of the house at the time, she was planning on turning Zaq's old room into her office and didn't want her plans to be interrupted. She offered us another room in the house, a room without a door, it was a pool room that was attached to the living room. It had no door, just a sliding access door to the back yard and a front door that was accessed through the living room. Arissa and Zaq are brother and sister, but could never see eye to eye with each other on their decisions, so Zaq moved up and moved on and decided that the best place for us to be then was back in Utah.

Back in the day when we all lived in Ojai we all made a tradition of going to get dinner together for Taco Tuesdays. Loved this place. Loved hanging with these folks.

Jesse, Rosanna, Jackie and Hyrum

Joe, Arissa, Me, and Zaq

the beginning and the end

So this blog is dedicated to the feelings that we all have when it comes to death and life.

Alright so a lot of things are currently happening in my life that this post will cover. I just hope that I can contain all comments and thoughts into a coherent statement.

So one thing that is happening this weekend is that my grandmother is finally moving to Salt Lake City from Wickenburg Arizona she will no longer be a migratory bird that flies away at the first sign of bad weather in Utah. I am so happy for her to be able to move back to Utah where she can be close to her youngest son, and youngest grandchild. I love that she has this opportunity to live where she pleases.

There is a down side to her moving it means that the house that my grandma and grandpa purchased together will no longer be available for us to visit. Which in all actually hasn't happened in almost 10 years. My grandpa died 12 years ago this July, and I can't help but see him down in Wickenburg Arizona. He lived down there for like three years by himself before my grandma could retire and join him down there. So every Holiday or four day weekend was a constant trip down to Arizona. Even my cousin and I remember having summer vacations with just Grandpa for the summer months down in Arizona. But it's over now. I think it hit me again today that my Grandpa really is gone. He would have been 79 this year, but alas I didn't celebrate him. I remembered him for a fleeting moment, but as life does one of the kids distracted me from a full moments remembrance for the man.

Coincidentally enough I actually got married on this death date two years later without even thinking about. But back to my point is that when death hits our families we can go about it one of two ways. We can give up all hope and fall into the depths of despair at the lose of our family member and the fact that some people believe that we will never see that person again. On the other side some people exhibit faith and hope that there is more to this life than just this. Some like me believe that life is eternal that through the atonement of Jesus Christ we can live again.

Now up to this point on this blog I have been silent about my religion because it me it wasn't anything that I should preach about it. I've lived all my life in Utah and in Utah there are two types of people. People that are Mormon and people that aren't. People that aren't Mormon don't want to hear about Mormons because they are constantly bombarded by Mormons. But now that I no longer live in Utah and people are open to what I have to say I am more willing and able to talk about my religion, my beliefs and weird things that I believe in.

Now that being said I'm not one of those typical Mormons that won't talk to you even if you tell me that you're atheist believe me I respect all other religions. Just because we say that our church is the one true church doesn't mean that we are trying belittle your religion. We say that because we believe that our church has the true gospel of Christ. Now if your Jewish or whatever I'm not gonna go out and have a heated argument about religion because to me there is more there is more to a person than just their religious beliefs. This is something important that my grandpa taught me. Just because he didn't believe in the Church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints doesn't mean that he didn't believe in Jesus Christ himself. Surprisingly enough to my family my grandpa was a spiritual man that did believe in the after life. He even had us read a poem about how he's not sleeping in his grave and that we shouldn't weep for him.

A few nights before he actually pasted away I got the opportunity to sit and visit with him one last time because in the back of my mind I knew that I wouldn't get the opportunity again. So I went to the hospital where he was staying and just had to sit and visit with him. I began crying, which for my grandpa was blackmail. He hated to see people cry because it made him feel so uncomfortable. But I cried anyway and told him of my feelings that I felt that it would be the last thing we would do together. He sympathized with me and told me to stop crying because he believed that he would still be there in the after life. He told me that it was selfish of me to cry for those that have died because it's just us missing them. And those that have died and departed this earthly life are living in paradise.

A prophet by the name of Joseph Smith said "The telestial kingdom is so great, if we knew what it was like we would kill ourselves to get there." Now for those of you that don't know this phrase go find an LDS missionary, those are the ones with name tags on their chests walking all around the globe. You can ask them and they'll tell you what I'm talking about in a heart beat. But essentially what it is, is the lowest level of heaven that we believe is attainable in the after life.

But anyway back to the subject on point there are many things in this life that can lead someone to be depressed and dwell upon their own life and feel inadequate but what I suggest people do if forget themselves, go find someone that needs help and help that person. Currently whenever I feel depressed about our financial situation (because it's not perfect) I focus on what do my kids need right this moment .... Breakfast? Lunch? Dinner? they need a little me time? Okay great. They need help turning on cartoons, alright that is my form of service right now. But one day I hope to do more, to be more, but until that day happens all I can do is just keep swimming, just keep swimming. 

So step out of your funk and go about your day with a light in your step and know that God is with you in all things.

My Village Part 1

After having an out pour of love and support for this blog from several of my family members I felt inclined tonight to write about my life.

Cathy was a single parent raising me throughout her life, but she relied on a village to help support where she would fall short. She would ask any time she couldn't completely be there for me she would ask someone in our village to be there. There is that old saying it takes a village to raise a child. So, I think it's time now to introduce my village.

Me with a bottle, circa 1989?

Christina Breeze, Alaska, 2007

So what does it take to get a child into an adult? a functioning member of society to help contribute and model what becomes of this earth?

My mom and me 2006

First you begin with a mom. This is my mom. Catherine K. Breeze Bustamante. I love her, she has the sweetest and kindest personality she is a loyal person once she lets you into her circle. But be aware if you ever want to leave that circle she'll never let you leave. As I'm learning. I've left the nest and she's still not let go of me. I have to, HAVE TO facetime with her every week and let her see my kids or she fears that she won't have a relationship with her grandchildren. Which simply isn't true, I know she'll yell at me later for it, but my kids know her, they love her, they can't wait to talk to her every week. It's a big deal to facetime with grandma Cathy.

So things my mom did for me.
Drove me to Salt Lake City from West Valley City, a thirty to forty-five minute drive depending on traffic, and then back home again. Every morning for school and on Sundays for church. She wanted me to grow up with nice friends and surrounded by nice people and that's how she accomplished it. She takes me out to dinner/lunch every birthday that she is around. She always tried to make the special occasions special. We were each others valentines for years. She would always get me a stuffed animal and card. I would get her maybe flowers, if I remembered. We almost grew up like sisters.

Christina, Cathy, Raphael, Pete, and Great Grandma Peterson
circa 1998?

Secondly on our tour, when you're mom tries to do it all she eventually thinks maybe a dad will help. Enter Raphael. My step-dad. Sleazy? yes. Currently hate his guts? yes absolutely. But did he teach me anything? absolutely. This man taught me how to respect my mom, and my family. I might not always agree with them, but never argue with them in public. Always respect your elders. Never touch anything that isn't yours. Never touch anything that you haven't been given permission to touch. Be grateful. Hug your family. Respect your mom. Never yell or talk back to your mom. Never waste food because somewhere in Mexico is a starving kid. He did know how to make the holidays extra special, Charge it to your credit card and let the good times begin.

When we first moved back to Salt Lake City from San Jose. I attended an elementary school in the sugar house area of Utah called Uintah Elementary. After school and during holidays I would spend my time with my great grandma Peterson. She was my first example of being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. We never attended together, but she encouraged me to have faith in Christ and be a member. She also would take me to Trolley Square. She couldn't drive anywhere, but that never stopped her from hopping onto the local bus route and making a few transfers in order to spend our afternoons at the mall. Nothing was ever purchased aside from lunch. But it was pleasure to behave for her. Never talk back. Help her get across the street because she had a cane and was a little slow in getting across the street in time, but oh so much fun to go to the mall with her.

Judy Breeze and I, New York City
celebrating me graduating High School

Next on our village tour is my grandmother. What an amazing woman and example to me of how to treat people with respect and how to interact with people. My grandma Judy did so much for me, I can never thank her enough for bringing me on her trips around the world. Because of her and my grandpa John I am proudly say I've been to North Dakota, South Dakota, Kansas, Montana, Idaho, Wyoming, Arizona, Colorado, New Mexico, Texas, Missiouri, Illinois, Alaska, Hawaii, New York City, Pennsylvania, Maryland, and Ohio. All those stories to come.

My Grandpa John

My grandparents spent every afternoon watching me after school and in the early mornings before my mom had to work. She would drop me off at my grandparents house to attend school in their district and then she would pick me up and take me back home, but that was only when she lived with Raphael. When Cathy and Raphael would have marital discord Cathy would just move us into my grandparents house and everyone lived in harmony. At least in my head they lived in harmony. My grandpa is a bit of an acquired taste. I loved my grandpa more than I can say. Not a day goes by that I don't miss him, but again I can discuss more of that in future.

Dan, Judy, Cathy, Pete, and Jim
I think in Pennsylvania 2008

This picture is my family. Each member has taught me something valuable. They love me and I love them. Without them I would not be the person I am today. From Dan I learned that being the quiet type isn't a bad thing you learn a lot by not saying very much. From my grandma Judy I learned how to be a lady and to live up to the expectations of my family. From my mom I learned how to strive to be the best that you can be, everything else will just fall into place. From Pete I learned that you only lived once might as well enjoy it, so when given an opportunity to go or do something might as well go all in. Together with Pete I've seen Broadway plays from the second and fourth rows, a helicopter ride around Manhattan, and a cruise to Alaska. From Jim I learned that you should never judge people by what they look like or by what their clothes say, you should judge them from their actions alone. He also taught me to respect my mom and NEVER roll my eyes at people.

Tina and Phillip Rateau.
Along with Michael Toronto
2008

One neighboring family even helped our little village and that would be Tina Rateau. She was the first person I met after my grandparents moved into a smaller house in Salt Lake City, Utah. She and her then husband invited me to their church. To an lds ward that happily embraced my quirky self. She showed me how to be a house wife, and chef. Tina didn't have children on this earthly life, so I and another boy in the neighborhood soon began joking around that we were her adopted children because of all the things she would do for us.

Jennifer, Dan, Stephanie,
Ryan, Allison, Taylor, Justin, Keileigh
Judy, John, Jim, Cassey, Cathy

Taylor, Justin, Judy, Trish, Jim, Christina, Aiden, Cathy

At one time my village looked like this. But over time we lose people, or they choose to leave us. But as time waxes and wanes new family members are added and joined into our little village. They are there to fill the void and that's way in my mind life works, in order for there to be new life, death must take place.


One day I hope that my children get to enjoy the village that Zaq and I will be providing for our family. I hope that with all the hustle and bustle and everyday life that my children understand how much to bend over backwards to please them. Lets just hope that we're doing what's best.

Father to Son Relationships, or none existing relationships

This blog is to all the father's out there. This number is for you.

Zaq and Aiden, Aiden age 2

Zaq is an awesome dad. He plays with the kids when he finds time to. He totally promotes Aiden playing video games and hamming it up for his stream and camera all the time. For those of you that don't know Zaq streams video games and new games not yet released. So for those of you that don't watch Zaq's twitch channel Aiden will sit with his dad either a) on his lap, b) between his legs, standing or c) in a chair right next to him. Zaq plays a variety of different games all of which Aiden is eagerly engaged in watching and enjoying all the fun that comes with gaming.

Aiden age 3 enjoying his goliath action figure
Zaq got from the Evolve Developers for his help with their game

Zaq trying to game with both Aiden, age 3 and Layoni age 12 months

Aiden and Zaq, Aiden age 6 months

This relationship between father and son didn't come easily. For the first year of Aiden's life, Aiden hated, not just hated, but SERIOUSLY HATED Zaq. Anytime I would leave Aiden alone with Zaq, Aiden would know and begin screaming five minutes after I left. There was nothing, not a single thing that he could do to help calm Aiden. And at first Zaq felt bad and defeated because at that time when Aiden was first born I held a calling in our church helping run the primary program, which means dealing with more little children. So Zaq eventually gave up trying to please him and would just let him cry out until I returned home, I wised up and asked our family to help in this dilemma of helping Aiden not be so traumatized every time I would leave the house.

Aiden and Zaq, Aiden age 4. Solar Eclipse Day

Layoni and Zaq, Layoni age 9 months

Layoni was a little bit easier she was and always will be a daddy's girl. She's got him so wrapped around her little finger that she is allowed to snuggle him even after bed time. Especially if she's not feeling good. Recently we've been having to cut down on her dairy intake because she's been having a hard time pooping. But progressing on she's always been pretty mellow around Zaq so he wasn't that scared. Also I didn't leave the house as often with Layoni either. Although after having a second child it seemed Zaq had gotten a clue as to how to handle a child under the age of one.

Blue Lake Ward Relief Society Pot Luck Dinner

But flash forward to tonight's main event. I had a Relief Society activity to attend, pretty much just a fancy excuse to get out of the house and socialize something I don't do regularly, regularly I don't leave the house. So I conned Zaq into watching all three children at the same time in the same place for an hour and a half. Literally I left the house at 6:25 and was home by 8:10 so an hour and forty five minutes. Not an extreme request considering I'm at home with our children from 7:00 am to 5:00 pm by myself and I have to get up in the middle of the night when they wake because lets not fool ourselves Zaq is the breadwinner and needs as much sleep as possible, something I have honored since Aiden was born and Zaq was working two jobs to make sure that I didn't have to get a job.

Aiden, Zaq, and Alexander. Aiden age 5,
Alexander age 3 months

So I came home from my little excursion only to be told that Alexander has been crying for the last hour and a half. Dear God I hope the man was exaggerating. But the second I pick him up from his bouncy chair Alexander stops crying and is the happy content little baby he usually is, unless he's tired then he's a big ol hand full of ANGRY babiness. But Zaq has stated now that he's done getting tricked into baby sitting Alexander until Alexander can actually be chill with him. Which in the case of Alexander happens around the year or two year mark.

Alexander being held by Zaq, first smiles, age 1 month

I want men out in the universe to know that you're not alone. Men, although some men do have the gentle touch with babies called the baby whisper, don't do well with newborn babies. I think it's something in their mentality. Zaq just loses interest in babies, especially if they are crying. Zaq usual solution to babies crying is give them back to their parents, but what happens when you're the parent? Zaq will just put Alexander down in order to not lose his cool completely, because Zaq knows that Alexander is okay, he might be crying, but at least he's not getting angry in his arms.

And truly it's okay to put a baby down if they are crying, and even if they are not it's okay to put a baby down. Although my whole world revolves around these little tykes, and I rarely put them down, but I'm just a chill mom like that. That being said Alexander is reaching the age of "what's my brother or sister doing I want to follow them" or "Ohh mom, what's that toy down there, no not that, that one." so he's becoming a little more impatient with just the plain old sit and stare routine of his life.

Never feel inadequate as a parent. You're doing the best that you know how to do, everything just falls into place as it happens, but just like dory says from Finding Nemo, "Just keep swimming"

Damage report of the first time I left Aiden alone with Zaq

I had left the house for an hour. We also had Zaq's brother Hyrum living with us at the time of this incident. One little boy got into a marker and redecorated the walls, floor, counter, and dishwasher because two grown men were busy playing video games.

Guess who they made clean it up, Aiden

Damage report number two.

Aiden had seen me put on makeup before so he thought he would give it a try himself. This was all makeup done by himself. NO ONE was helping him put this make up on. Although that being said if this kid ever wanted a job in the make up industry this could be his opening image, because dang he looks like hes got a shiner.