Ojai, California

So, the first five years of marriage is great for most people. These five years will either make or break you. I found out that on the hard edge of being a teenager that adulthood is nothing to be celebrating.

Ojai, California Just outside of town little walking park

Ojai, California Main Street

Zaq and I had just gotten married, we were living in Ojai, California.

This is a small rendering of our first apartment. I loved it. I was going to turn it into the cover of Desert Book Catalog. We barely had any furniture. I was lucky at the time Zaq picked out this apartment and began paying for it before we got married, it was a complete surprise for me to come to our first home together. I both loved and hated being there.

Our first living room. I was the one that started our
DVD/Blu ray collection. Now we just use the Firestick
with the Terrium App. Check out that old school television.

Ahh, I miss that couch. Nothing says comfy couch like levi.

I loved being a new wife that didn't have to work, I waited all day long for my hubby to come home and be with me. I loved putting on my little duty hat and pretending that the house actually needed to be cleaned, we didn't have any kids at the time so looking back and pretending to clean that apartment was an accurate statement. I tried playing chef, but the best meals I could come up with were spaghetti with marinara sauce or quesadillas. As a wedding gift I even got a cook book, but I was too intimated to make any of the meals from Better Homes and Garden First Cook Book. That book to me still is intimating.

Kitchen Entry Island
I miss that Island

Kitchen Area

Hey look for once clean dishes.
I think that was the only time I actually
did dishes without a never ending battle.

Our Dining Area

I loved being so in love that when Zaq would come home the kisses were passionate like they always are in the beginning of any relationship. The long kisses and holding each other and just laying next to each other. Ahh the romance. But for me it was completely different. I loved Zaq and Zaq loved me, but sex wasn't sex for me, for me it was a time where Zaq was in control and I would lay there lifeless. I hated sex my brain just couldn't shut off every time was a process for me to wrap my head around. Zaq would try so hard to make me happy and to get me to enjoy sex and I couldn't. I couldn't figure it out, this was a our first real time trying for sex, for those orgasms that every other woman could have. Not me, there was something wrong with me. We would try different ways of enjoying sex and I couldn't do it. Zaq could always finish, but not me. Zaq would try stimulating me in other areas in other ways and I just couldn't handle it. I would utterly shut down.

ah reflecting 10 years later, one dresser with
 three drawers lol. Plus listening to music
before bedtime to help you fall asleep.

Such a small laundry list

ahh back when we tried to sleep under the same blanket.
We discovered we're burrito baby sleepers
separate blankets for everyone lol.

There was also part of me that hated this apartment. I hated living in Ojai because Zaq would leave for work then come home. He would come home from work so stressed over his job that playing video games was his way of dealing with the stress. Something I could never understand I had observed other marriages where when the spouses come home after a long days work they sit down and spend time with their families watching the news or some melodrama television. Not go in another room and play video games with their brothers. At that time Zaq and his brothers were playing a game called Warhammer Online. One would play a tank, another a healer, and the last warrior, now for those that don't video game this is called the holy trinity of gaming where you go in and kill everything in your path while having a body guard and healer. This was Zaq's way of dealing with the stress from his job, but this wasn't something I was a part of. I hated it. I hated watching him do something in our home without me. Isn't it enough that he got to leave the apartment and interact with other people? What was worse was we were living in Ojai California, I knew no one, I didn't even know how to find a Wendy's. I knew where the grocery store was, I knew where the McDonalds and Taco Bell was, partially because they were right next door to each other, but other than that I was in a whole new place and I couldn't for the life of me figure out where anything was.

Shower

So little space for such a small couple lol

Self Reflection 2008

Luckily Jackie lived 8 blocks from our apartment. She was living in a house owned by her father. She lived there with a few of her other children. First there was Jesse and Rosanna they had been married for a few years he was working as a special effects artist but was in between landing his big break. Joe and Arissa lived there as well they had been married 4 months before we were. They were both working at the Ojai Valley Inn and Spa as well and enjoying being newly weds without having to worry about money. Jackie had been raised in Ojai and knew a lot of the families in our ward. I was such a small little tiny mouse at the time that I don't even remember one name of someone that I might have met there at the time. Jackie had a calling to make sure that the missionaries had somewhere to go for meals. I loved that, because whenever they didn't have somewhere to go they would either land at Jackie's house and we would all join her, or they would land at my house and I got to play special little house wife and make sure that dinner was planned out in just the right time.

Lookout at Ojai, CA

Vineyards of Oaji, California

In this apartment is also where I experienced my first real earth quake. It was hilarious because I was sitting at home and suddenly I felt something like a giant pushing around one of the apartment walls, just one big push and then it was all over.

Then after three months of living in Ojai Zaq came home and announced that he had been laid off. The company realized that three managers in Inn room dining was one too many. Luckily the company didn't want Zaq to sue for wrongful termination so they gave a generous severance package. I call this time in my life our real honeymoon.

After coming home that night and announcing that Zaq had lost his job we came up with a game plan. We went and approached Jackie to see if we can move in with her, what was one more couple in the house? Well Arissa was acting Matriarch of the house at the time, she was planning on turning Zaq's old room into her office and didn't want her plans to be interrupted. She offered us another room in the house, a room without a door, it was a pool room that was attached to the living room. It had no door, just a sliding access door to the back yard and a front door that was accessed through the living room. Arissa and Zaq are brother and sister, but could never see eye to eye with each other on their decisions, so Zaq moved up and moved on and decided that the best place for us to be then was back in Utah.

Back in the day when we all lived in Ojai we all made a tradition of going to get dinner together for Taco Tuesdays. Loved this place. Loved hanging with these folks.

Jesse, Rosanna, Jackie and Hyrum

Joe, Arissa, Me, and Zaq

the beginning and the end

So this blog is dedicated to the feelings that we all have when it comes to death and life.

Alright so a lot of things are currently happening in my life that this post will cover. I just hope that I can contain all comments and thoughts into a coherent statement.

So one thing that is happening this weekend is that my grandmother is finally moving to Salt Lake City from Wickenburg Arizona she will no longer be a migratory bird that flies away at the first sign of bad weather in Utah. I am so happy for her to be able to move back to Utah where she can be close to her youngest son, and youngest grandchild. I love that she has this opportunity to live where she pleases.

There is a down side to her moving it means that the house that my grandma and grandpa purchased together will no longer be available for us to visit. Which in all actually hasn't happened in almost 10 years. My grandpa died 12 years ago this July, and I can't help but see him down in Wickenburg Arizona. He lived down there for like three years by himself before my grandma could retire and join him down there. So every Holiday or four day weekend was a constant trip down to Arizona. Even my cousin and I remember having summer vacations with just Grandpa for the summer months down in Arizona. But it's over now. I think it hit me again today that my Grandpa really is gone. He would have been 79 this year, but alas I didn't celebrate him. I remembered him for a fleeting moment, but as life does one of the kids distracted me from a full moments remembrance for the man.

Coincidentally enough I actually got married on this death date two years later without even thinking about. But back to my point is that when death hits our families we can go about it one of two ways. We can give up all hope and fall into the depths of despair at the lose of our family member and the fact that some people believe that we will never see that person again. On the other side some people exhibit faith and hope that there is more to this life than just this. Some like me believe that life is eternal that through the atonement of Jesus Christ we can live again.

Now up to this point on this blog I have been silent about my religion because it me it wasn't anything that I should preach about it. I've lived all my life in Utah and in Utah there are two types of people. People that are Mormon and people that aren't. People that aren't Mormon don't want to hear about Mormons because they are constantly bombarded by Mormons. But now that I no longer live in Utah and people are open to what I have to say I am more willing and able to talk about my religion, my beliefs and weird things that I believe in.

Now that being said I'm not one of those typical Mormons that won't talk to you even if you tell me that you're atheist believe me I respect all other religions. Just because we say that our church is the one true church doesn't mean that we are trying belittle your religion. We say that because we believe that our church has the true gospel of Christ. Now if your Jewish or whatever I'm not gonna go out and have a heated argument about religion because to me there is more there is more to a person than just their religious beliefs. This is something important that my grandpa taught me. Just because he didn't believe in the Church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints doesn't mean that he didn't believe in Jesus Christ himself. Surprisingly enough to my family my grandpa was a spiritual man that did believe in the after life. He even had us read a poem about how he's not sleeping in his grave and that we shouldn't weep for him.

A few nights before he actually pasted away I got the opportunity to sit and visit with him one last time because in the back of my mind I knew that I wouldn't get the opportunity again. So I went to the hospital where he was staying and just had to sit and visit with him. I began crying, which for my grandpa was blackmail. He hated to see people cry because it made him feel so uncomfortable. But I cried anyway and told him of my feelings that I felt that it would be the last thing we would do together. He sympathized with me and told me to stop crying because he believed that he would still be there in the after life. He told me that it was selfish of me to cry for those that have died because it's just us missing them. And those that have died and departed this earthly life are living in paradise.

A prophet by the name of Joseph Smith said "The telestial kingdom is so great, if we knew what it was like we would kill ourselves to get there." Now for those of you that don't know this phrase go find an LDS missionary, those are the ones with name tags on their chests walking all around the globe. You can ask them and they'll tell you what I'm talking about in a heart beat. But essentially what it is, is the lowest level of heaven that we believe is attainable in the after life.

But anyway back to the subject on point there are many things in this life that can lead someone to be depressed and dwell upon their own life and feel inadequate but what I suggest people do if forget themselves, go find someone that needs help and help that person. Currently whenever I feel depressed about our financial situation (because it's not perfect) I focus on what do my kids need right this moment .... Breakfast? Lunch? Dinner? they need a little me time? Okay great. They need help turning on cartoons, alright that is my form of service right now. But one day I hope to do more, to be more, but until that day happens all I can do is just keep swimming, just keep swimming. 

So step out of your funk and go about your day with a light in your step and know that God is with you in all things.

Being

Inspiration is a fickle thing, hope you all enjoy it.

So a long time ago, and by that I mean 13 - 14 years ago my best friend paid me the compliment of saying that I reminded her of Rebecca Sharp from the novel Vanity Fair. To me I thought okay, How is it that I, of all people, remind her of Rebecca Sharp.

In my own head I am a small little person that doesn't say much in the crowded room. I feel that I have a introvert personality which means, that to me going out in a crowded room over whelms me pretty easily and I don't like leaving my house. Sometimes when I do go to big huge events ESPECIALLY when we lived in Provo Utah I would get these horrible butterflies in my stomach because I knew that the people I would be meeting and talking to would never accept my awesomeness at the time. So often I would feel left out of conversations, and alone because no one would take the time to get to know me.

About two years ago another close friend of mine admitted that I intimidated her when I first met her. I thought HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE???? I barely speaking in large groups and since having all three of our children I am not that adventurous. I stay behind in a lot of things because it is outside my comfort zone. And I hid behind our children. They used to say in our board game group that if Chris is holding a baby she's the traitor in the game. Which is a very true statement I feel my kids bring more attention to me than I bring to myself.

I am now living in a community in Oregon that accepts me and all my flaws and in all my awesomeness. Zaq told me about 6 months ago that my greatest quality that I possess is my persistence. No matter how many times I've fallen down I always get back up. No matter how many times we've moved I've always worked my hardest to establish a home within a month of moving into our new apartment. And no matter how many times I felt uncomfortable going to Relief Society and sitting by myself I have done it. I have endured all the awkwardness in order to achieve my greatness.

To the women that read this blog you need to identify those good qualities that you possess and embrace them. Be that woman that stands out as the greatest thing that another person wants to admire. I'm learning to embrace my awesome power. We recently moved into a new ward about six months ago I realized it was my persistence that got me to where I am today. Today we signed up to feed the missionaries in our ward 6 times in the next two weeks. AND I LOVE IT. I love being that charitable with my time and our food allowances. Recently we've been on a tight budget with our food money and things are tight, but I know that by feeding the missionaries, maybe they can save their money and get something that they need, or help someone else down the road with what that person needs.

But that being said I can understand why my friend compared me to Rebecca Sharp for those that have read the book or seen the movie Rebecca Sharp is an amazing woman who raises above her situation and makes the best of all the situations that she's in and never gives up hope to be a society woman. Yes at one point she does lose her way and falls down the path of over pleasing in order to be part of that society, but in the end she finds someone that will make her happy. But my point in comparing myself to Rebecca Sharp is that I will always raise from the ashes of moving to a new place and I will overcome my shyness in order to be a pillar of the community and to help people that are in need when I can.

This is Kubo and the two strings, for those that haven't seen it yet.
Go, go now
I can not recommend this movie enough I love this movie

This is who I am:

I am a mom, a mean mom? "HELLS YES" I spank my kids when they need spanking, I hug my kids when they ask it, I give make sure they eat when they truly want to eat and are hungry enough to desire the food that is made for them.

I am a woman, a woman who in my childhood has been molested, but with the help of my husband I overcame that. I enjoy movies (action, psychological thrillers, dramatic, some chick flicks, spy movies and children's movies), TV shows (when I finally sit down because my kids are pitching a fit to be nursed or comforted) mostly dramatic tv, some comedies, I am a nerd. I love Battlestar Galatica, Babylon 5, I haven't given Star Trek enough of a chance, I love Charmed, Reign, Tudors, Once Upon a Time, SVU (dick wolf anything really) the Chicago series, currently enjoying some old X-men.

Hobbies I have are Cross Stitching, Painting Rocks, doing fill it in puzzles which are crossword puzzles but instead of giving you a hint to what the word is they give you the word to fit into the puzzle. I love playing video games Guild Wars 2, Warhammer online, Guitar Hero was my first big video game, I've loved watching Kingdom Hearts and played a little. I love playing board games Kingsburg, Coup, Mysterium, Sentinels of the Multiverse, and Thurn and Taxis are by far my favorite games to play.

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I am a charitable woman who loves to serve those around me, both in my ward and in my community to the best of my ability.

I am a wife that has been in love with the same man for 10 years. We don't argue we banter, we tease each other and love each other very much. In our relationship we've never been in an argument, we hate being mad at each other, the maddest that we've been at each other only lasts at most 30 minutes then we get over ourselves and go back to loving one another. There is no silent treatment.  I can't imagine my life without him. I am persistent and I always set up a loving home for my family to enjoy.

I am me. If you don't know who you are. Find out who you are. Be that awesome person that is you. Embrace it. Stop hiding in the closet. Be that awesome being that you have buried down inside.

Marriage Realities

So I've been thinking after watching a few chick flicks ... of course. Because true love, that love at first sight, that finding that one person you can't live without is nothing but in the movies.

Love is a strong connection that you have to another person that waxes and wanes just like the phases of the moon. Some days it's the great and everlasting love and you can feel that strong pull towards someone, other days you grow distant and are too busy to put time and effort into that relationship.

I used to watch chick flicks from sun up to sun down. I used to love them. I was convinced that one day that would be me. I would meet that man that just couldn't live without me because I was a magnificent person that was so good and awesome that picking a man would be my choice. That was my vision of course. Now looking down the barrel of an almost 10 year marriage it's a falsehood.

To quote a prophet from the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints "Soulmates are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price." Zaq and I both have spoken about this quote considering our marriage. We love each other very much, but we both know that if one of us were to shed this mortal coil we would have to remarry in order for our lives to continue on the path that we are currently on. What I mean by that is, IF Zaq were to pass away tomorrow I would need to either a) move back in with family, which truly is probably the easiest solution or b) remarry someone that is compatible with my children and with me. That being said I would truly miss Zaq if anything were to happen to him. Now to go find some salt to throw over my shoulder and some wood to knock, and whatever superstitions I can think of. Anyone have a rabbit's foot I could have? Lucky penny perhaps?

Zaq's motto in marriage was that his goal was to make the girl happy, that is if he can. I don't think he'd do well with a woman that was high maintenance. A high strung woman that requires their hair to be done every two to four weeks, or their nails to be done. That would require more money. Money that could and should be used in better places. I was never taught to believe that my hair or makeup is what would make me beautiful which is an awesome sentiment. Something that Zaq is very grateful for. Zaq and I have always been attracted more mentally than physically. Don't get me wrong I love a good snu snu session when we get the chance (like when the kids are asleep, or we're not too tired from the long day) but we also enjoy playing games together. Video games, board games it doesn't matter to us, the challenge of beating one another is something that is thrilling as well.

Zaq and I don't argue, we truly don't have anything to argue about. He's as down to earth as am I, we love our kids and we waited a few years to have kids. I waited to have to kids because I wanted to make sure that Zaq and I would be good parents. In my wisdom I also wanted to provide medical insurance for my children. Zaq would get remarried if something were to happen to me. We have three children that are comfortable with someone at home with them.

Anyway my whole point is stop fantasizing about what your marriage should be, and be thankful for those that you have in your life that love you.

Sex and Snu Snu

Alright here is the deal this post will be extremely detailed oriented about my sex life. Read it, don't read it I don't care. It's going to contain adult content. So warning please read at your own discretion.

WARNING MY CONTAIN ADULT CONTENT
WARNING 
WARNING

Alright so I've spoken about how I was molested as a child.
How that affected my relationship with men. Thinking that they were always going to touch me and that by them not touching me it was a rejection of some kind.
So growing up as a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints they teach that pornography is bad, you shouldn't watch it and that any "unclean" image will stay in your brain for years to come. This is all true. What they church doesn't understand is that in pornography can be a comping mechanism for people that don't understand sex.

So being molested I was exposed to sexual simulation early on in life. I can remember masturbating around the age of 9 or 10. I believe that is when it started. Even pleasuring myself never resulted in an orgasm all it would do is make my brain happy. That's it. There was no amazing feeling afterward, I was more terrified of getting caught by my family than anything else, I remember always listening to where everyone was in the house before even attempting to masturbate.

Masturbating got me through a lot of things in my life. It got me through migraines. You know when you get an awful migraine and you try and sleep it off, but you can't fall asleep well that's when I would masturbate because it would release endorphins to my brain and help me sleep. Masturbating got me to have to stop from peeing yes, I have masturbated because I needed to pee and by pleasuring that area I could postpone the need to use the restroom. I have masturbated in my marriage. Now for me masturbation was never about the fantasy of a guy pleasuring me it was all about the endorphins being released to my brain.

Pornography and music began playing a role in my married sex life. I could never call it sex. Sex is dirty and disgusting and I'm disgusted by it, thus even more of a problem when my brain won't shut up. I literally have to call it snu snu. Zaq likes to call it harfing. "I harfed you" "You harfed me". To me calling it something other than what it was was a way that I could cope with being intimate with Zaq.

So our first year of Snu Snu was,  Zaq would come home from work and maybe I would jump him, but I would always bug him for snu snu. Once we moved to Utah we started to realize and understand that whenever he would try and seduce me I would flinch and recoil and there was nothing that he could do to initiate sex. It had to begin with me. Literally I remember one night he started pleasuring me and I said no, he respected me and stopped but then five minutes later I was trying to seduce him into having sex with me. That's how it went for the first four years of our marriage. I always had to seduce him. Now if you've ever been in a relationship like that it's rough only having one partners needs met. Zaq knew that if he wanted to have sex that he either had to wait for me to seduce him or he would have to indulge himself. He hated masturbating, but he hated putting pressure on me to have sex more. So he would masturbate when he was given the opportunity. Which meant when I was asleep and no one else was around.

So Music first began in our Snu Snu sessions as a way of turning off my brain I would listen to the music and my brain would calm down so that I could enjoy what Zaq was doing to me and for me. Thank God I married Zaq because I can't imagine this journey with any other man, they wouldn't understand it, and they wouldn't be able to cope with how broken my mind is over sex. So Zaq or I could turn on music and be able to enjoy snu snu so much more and more often as well.

Pornographic movies also began as a stimulus because when you look at other people enjoying sex you think okay I can do that, and its not something dirty or wrong, it's something enjoyable. It's something that everyone does. There is something very enjoyable to watch as a man completely worshiping a woman in snu snu.

Since having kids it's become easier to enjoy snu snu. I've been able to come closer to an orgasm. My body will actually quiver if Zaq continues to stroke my body after having snu snu and finishing. Although with the latest pregnancy of Alexander being 8-9 months pregnant I was completely incapable and self conscious over trying to seduce Zaq.

To those struggling with Sex in a marriage all I can advise is to be patient with one another and to be understanding and loving.

To those that have been raped or molested I counsel this. Seek help, and find the help that you need to become whole again. This was not your fault. It doesn't matter what happened, who, what, where, or why. It just matters that you get the help and support you need to become yourself again. To the men that support woman that have been raped or molested I thank you, you'll never understand how much we love you, and how much we've needed you in our lives. We might not be able to tell you this, but I know that we all feel it.

Only you can be in your head so just take a step back and get out of your own head and enjoy the moment while it lasts.