Teenage Molestation

Alright so currently my method of writing in this blog have been when I'm feeling passionate about the subject in which I'm writing. But this post will be completely different.

I want to write about childhood molestation and the relationship I had with men due to the series of events following.

Warning this will have adult content please read with care and caution.

Warning

Warning

Alright I've already gone public with the molestation that happened when I was about 5. Because of this event I believed that men had the right to touch me, and those that didn't touch me I felt had rejected me in some way. That they didn't like me. Which for an only child (who lives off of any attention that given to them) was really hard for me to understand.

I remember sitting on the couch next to my great uncle and stretching out next to him take up the whole couch waiting for him to put his hand on my stomach or something weird like that, but it never happened and at first when he didn't reach out I thought there was something wrong with me. That I had done something wrong. That I was different in some way. I didn't understand that grown men don't touch little children in an inappropriate way. They hug them or are affectionate in other ways.

With my parents going back and forth in their marriage I realized that I could still have a relationship with men where nothing was expected of me besides to have a decent conversation. I learned to speak to my grandpa. A man that I miss everyday speaking with. He has since passed away like many other great men of my life, but that is for another post.

Grandpa John's leading line was let me ask you a question. That was his opening line. It wasn't to offend or anything, it was to get your opinion on certain things that he thought about it as well. I loved sitting with him. He was safe. He never would do anything to hurt me. I grew to learn that this relationship of communication is the most important step in life. If you can't openly communicate with your partner or companion or friends you're not going to get far in this life.

During one of the off times in my parents marriage we had chosen to go on have a date night with my parents. Which meant that my mother and step dad were in the works of moving back in together to try and be a family unit again. I was hopeful because there was something nice around the holidays with my step dad. He always went above and beyond for them, whether we could afford it or not.

But this one night we all decided to go to the drive in movie theater. At the time my step dad had to decided to rent out my bedroom to a room mate named Domingo. A guy in his twenties that had just been laid off that day. I was about twelve so my recollection of earlier that day are fuzzy. I remember my step dad talking about he wanted to go the movies and how we should invite Domingo since he was having a really bad day. I remember seeing Domingo in my room. He was sitting in my room smoking a cigarette and drinking a beer or two. His eye were so white and blood shot against his tanner skin tone.

I wasn't scared of Domingo growing up. He had started to come around Ralph my step dad a few weeks prior and we had communicated through picking on each other (a.k.a. tickling one another) in reflection this was a dangerous situation that I probably couldn't avoid no matter who it was. I really wanted people's attention and I loved getting smiles out of people back then in the form of tickling. I never thought about the consequences of my actions. I was twelve what can you expect?

So there we were Domingo and I hiding in the back of a flat bed truck so that we can sneak into the theater and save on money because even back then money was tight. So as soon as Domingo and I were situated hiding under pillows and blankets he began groping me and touching me. I would stop it, but nothing stopped those hands. I couldn't control it. Upon driving through the gate we all got situated to watch the movie. Domingo and I in the front by the tail and Ralph and my mom Cathy by the cab of the truck. I was hoping that with the movie being on that Domingo would focus on something other than me, but that didn't happen all through the movie I was molested.

Upon the end of the movie I quickly moved to be next to my mom. Nothing could have moved me from that spot once I had decided to move. After moving to the new spot everyone encouraged me to move back, but I just stayed there and fell asleep because I wasn't interested in viewing the next movie.

The next day I told my mom what had happened and she in turn relayed the information onto Ralph. Ralph felt bad about the situation, but ultimately decided that distance between me and Domingo was the correct approach to the situation. I was to keep my hands to myself i.e. no more tickling and Domingo was not to touch me again.

My mom and Ralph eventually joined together one last time to give it a go and make their marriage a success story. Ralph was still friends with Domingo and would invite him to join us on Holidays or to the movies on the weekend. I never felt any ill will towards Domingo, but I kept my distance. When I was about 15 Domingo gave it another go for me.

He came over to visit Ralph, but Ralph was busy playing on his computer, don't ask me what I can't recall even what he would do on the computer (knowing my luck Porn because that's what the internet is for right?). So Domingo slipped into my room. I was watching some Disney movie and when Domingo came in I was quickly set on edge as to his presence. I told him that I was watching a movie and that he should leave, but he came and sat next to me on my bed, of course it had to be my bed I could have some chair in their. As we watched the movie in silence he put his arm around me and placed my head in his lap. For whatever reason I went along with it, I kick myself in the head now about it, but at 15 I was too naive  to figure anything out. At the end of the movie Domingo leaned down and kissed my forehead. I freaked out and told him to get out of my room and made a big scene about the fact that he was in room to begin with. I just remember trying to force my door to close so that he couldn't get back in.

Later that night after he had left I told Ralph and my mom what had happened. Ralph's reaction has been my favorite. It was my fault. If I hadn't been in my room then Domingo never would have been in there in the first place. It was all my fault. I couldn't believe it. I hated Ralph at that moment. To even think of blaming the teenager for a man in his 20s is doing and knows is wrong or at least illegal. I heard a few years back that Domingo had finally found a teenagers bed that was willing to accept him. A friend of a friend of Ralphs. Some girl that I had actually known once and played with on several occasions. I felt bad for her, but I was happy that it wasn't my bed that I he had landed in.

So that's my molestations stories all in one entry. I have tried very hard to not let the series of events that have happened in my past not affect how I react to people now a days. It's a struggle for sure. To this day I don't understand fully how to react to some people. Some times I get along better with men than I do women and women just look at me as if I am going to cause some affair with their husbands. Other times my hubby tells me that guys are checking me out and I'm completely oblivious to it. I don't understand most human interactions.

I never did get counseling for the things that have happened to me, but I would encourage anyone at any time that has been faced with the same situation to seek help. Find someone to talk to. Surprisingly enough I found myself talking about with boys that were interested in dating me. I knew I had to warn them that touching me could be an explosive moment for me because of the trauma that I had faced in my past. Luckily with me divulging this information I was actually able to help a friend when his wife was rapped. I wish him and her all the best of luck with the trials, but I know that they have what it takes to make their marriage last through the test of time.

I have two pieces of advice

First to women - to those that have been taken advantage of it is not your fault. Please seek counseling. Find someone to talk to about what is going on your head. You don't have to go through this alone. Someone will always want to be there for you, to listen to you, to help you cope and to talk you off that ledge of total disaster. Be patient with yourself. You'll want to act like nothing happened, but something did happen to you, something that will trigger when you least expect it. Be open and patient with your partner.

To men - Something that I have been grateful for all these years is the patience that my husband had with me. It's taken us 10 years for me to relax and enjoy snu snu. There have been times where my brain puts flashes into my brain of the past and I immediately tense up, not because of what Zaq has done to me, but because those scars that are invisible are irreversible I can't undo them. All I can do is warn him where my body triggers those flashes and hope that when he does touch me that I can remain calm. Please be patient with your women folk it's not easy for them to open up and relive those moments to explain what's going on with her. There have been many times that I have pushed Zaq away for the flashes in my brain there is nothing I can do about them they are apart of me. But I think I am getting closer to being free.