Sex and Snu Snu

Alright here is the deal this post will be extremely detailed oriented about my sex life. Read it, don't read it I don't care. It's going to contain adult content. So warning please read at your own discretion.

WARNING MY CONTAIN ADULT CONTENT
WARNING 
WARNING

Alright so I've spoken about how I was molested as a child.
How that affected my relationship with men. Thinking that they were always going to touch me and that by them not touching me it was a rejection of some kind.
So growing up as a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints they teach that pornography is bad, you shouldn't watch it and that any "unclean" image will stay in your brain for years to come. This is all true. What they church doesn't understand is that in pornography can be a comping mechanism for people that don't understand sex.

So being molested I was exposed to sexual simulation early on in life. I can remember masturbating around the age of 9 or 10. I believe that is when it started. Even pleasuring myself never resulted in an orgasm all it would do is make my brain happy. That's it. There was no amazing feeling afterward, I was more terrified of getting caught by my family than anything else, I remember always listening to where everyone was in the house before even attempting to masturbate.

Masturbating got me through a lot of things in my life. It got me through migraines. You know when you get an awful migraine and you try and sleep it off, but you can't fall asleep well that's when I would masturbate because it would release endorphins to my brain and help me sleep. Masturbating got me to have to stop from peeing yes, I have masturbated because I needed to pee and by pleasuring that area I could postpone the need to use the restroom. I have masturbated in my marriage. Now for me masturbation was never about the fantasy of a guy pleasuring me it was all about the endorphins being released to my brain.

Pornography and music began playing a role in my married sex life. I could never call it sex. Sex is dirty and disgusting and I'm disgusted by it, thus even more of a problem when my brain won't shut up. I literally have to call it snu snu. Zaq likes to call it harfing. "I harfed you" "You harfed me". To me calling it something other than what it was was a way that I could cope with being intimate with Zaq.

So our first year of Snu Snu was,  Zaq would come home from work and maybe I would jump him, but I would always bug him for snu snu. Once we moved to Utah we started to realize and understand that whenever he would try and seduce me I would flinch and recoil and there was nothing that he could do to initiate sex. It had to begin with me. Literally I remember one night he started pleasuring me and I said no, he respected me and stopped but then five minutes later I was trying to seduce him into having sex with me. That's how it went for the first four years of our marriage. I always had to seduce him. Now if you've ever been in a relationship like that it's rough only having one partners needs met. Zaq knew that if he wanted to have sex that he either had to wait for me to seduce him or he would have to indulge himself. He hated masturbating, but he hated putting pressure on me to have sex more. So he would masturbate when he was given the opportunity. Which meant when I was asleep and no one else was around.

So Music first began in our Snu Snu sessions as a way of turning off my brain I would listen to the music and my brain would calm down so that I could enjoy what Zaq was doing to me and for me. Thank God I married Zaq because I can't imagine this journey with any other man, they wouldn't understand it, and they wouldn't be able to cope with how broken my mind is over sex. So Zaq or I could turn on music and be able to enjoy snu snu so much more and more often as well.

Pornographic movies also began as a stimulus because when you look at other people enjoying sex you think okay I can do that, and its not something dirty or wrong, it's something enjoyable. It's something that everyone does. There is something very enjoyable to watch as a man completely worshiping a woman in snu snu.

Since having kids it's become easier to enjoy snu snu. I've been able to come closer to an orgasm. My body will actually quiver if Zaq continues to stroke my body after having snu snu and finishing. Although with the latest pregnancy of Alexander being 8-9 months pregnant I was completely incapable and self conscious over trying to seduce Zaq.

To those struggling with Sex in a marriage all I can advise is to be patient with one another and to be understanding and loving.

To those that have been raped or molested I counsel this. Seek help, and find the help that you need to become whole again. This was not your fault. It doesn't matter what happened, who, what, where, or why. It just matters that you get the help and support you need to become yourself again. To the men that support woman that have been raped or molested I thank you, you'll never understand how much we love you, and how much we've needed you in our lives. We might not be able to tell you this, but I know that we all feel it.

Only you can be in your head so just take a step back and get out of your own head and enjoy the moment while it lasts.