the beginning and the end

So this blog is dedicated to the feelings that we all have when it comes to death and life.

Alright so a lot of things are currently happening in my life that this post will cover. I just hope that I can contain all comments and thoughts into a coherent statement.

So one thing that is happening this weekend is that my grandmother is finally moving to Salt Lake City from Wickenburg Arizona she will no longer be a migratory bird that flies away at the first sign of bad weather in Utah. I am so happy for her to be able to move back to Utah where she can be close to her youngest son, and youngest grandchild. I love that she has this opportunity to live where she pleases.

There is a down side to her moving it means that the house that my grandma and grandpa purchased together will no longer be available for us to visit. Which in all actually hasn't happened in almost 10 years. My grandpa died 12 years ago this July, and I can't help but see him down in Wickenburg Arizona. He lived down there for like three years by himself before my grandma could retire and join him down there. So every Holiday or four day weekend was a constant trip down to Arizona. Even my cousin and I remember having summer vacations with just Grandpa for the summer months down in Arizona. But it's over now. I think it hit me again today that my Grandpa really is gone. He would have been 79 this year, but alas I didn't celebrate him. I remembered him for a fleeting moment, but as life does one of the kids distracted me from a full moments remembrance for the man.

Coincidentally enough I actually got married on this death date two years later without even thinking about. But back to my point is that when death hits our families we can go about it one of two ways. We can give up all hope and fall into the depths of despair at the lose of our family member and the fact that some people believe that we will never see that person again. On the other side some people exhibit faith and hope that there is more to this life than just this. Some like me believe that life is eternal that through the atonement of Jesus Christ we can live again.

Now up to this point on this blog I have been silent about my religion because it me it wasn't anything that I should preach about it. I've lived all my life in Utah and in Utah there are two types of people. People that are Mormon and people that aren't. People that aren't Mormon don't want to hear about Mormons because they are constantly bombarded by Mormons. But now that I no longer live in Utah and people are open to what I have to say I am more willing and able to talk about my religion, my beliefs and weird things that I believe in.

Now that being said I'm not one of those typical Mormons that won't talk to you even if you tell me that you're atheist believe me I respect all other religions. Just because we say that our church is the one true church doesn't mean that we are trying belittle your religion. We say that because we believe that our church has the true gospel of Christ. Now if your Jewish or whatever I'm not gonna go out and have a heated argument about religion because to me there is more there is more to a person than just their religious beliefs. This is something important that my grandpa taught me. Just because he didn't believe in the Church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints doesn't mean that he didn't believe in Jesus Christ himself. Surprisingly enough to my family my grandpa was a spiritual man that did believe in the after life. He even had us read a poem about how he's not sleeping in his grave and that we shouldn't weep for him.

A few nights before he actually pasted away I got the opportunity to sit and visit with him one last time because in the back of my mind I knew that I wouldn't get the opportunity again. So I went to the hospital where he was staying and just had to sit and visit with him. I began crying, which for my grandpa was blackmail. He hated to see people cry because it made him feel so uncomfortable. But I cried anyway and told him of my feelings that I felt that it would be the last thing we would do together. He sympathized with me and told me to stop crying because he believed that he would still be there in the after life. He told me that it was selfish of me to cry for those that have died because it's just us missing them. And those that have died and departed this earthly life are living in paradise.

A prophet by the name of Joseph Smith said "The telestial kingdom is so great, if we knew what it was like we would kill ourselves to get there." Now for those of you that don't know this phrase go find an LDS missionary, those are the ones with name tags on their chests walking all around the globe. You can ask them and they'll tell you what I'm talking about in a heart beat. But essentially what it is, is the lowest level of heaven that we believe is attainable in the after life.

But anyway back to the subject on point there are many things in this life that can lead someone to be depressed and dwell upon their own life and feel inadequate but what I suggest people do if forget themselves, go find someone that needs help and help that person. Currently whenever I feel depressed about our financial situation (because it's not perfect) I focus on what do my kids need right this moment .... Breakfast? Lunch? Dinner? they need a little me time? Okay great. They need help turning on cartoons, alright that is my form of service right now. But one day I hope to do more, to be more, but until that day happens all I can do is just keep swimming, just keep swimming. 

So step out of your funk and go about your day with a light in your step and know that God is with you in all things.

The Village Part 2

As many of you recall I wrote about my childhood and the village that it took to raise me.

I am going to tell you the story of my future. We'll see if any of it comes true or not. This is honestly my hopes and dreams for the next 5 to 10 years. I have grand illusions that I hope will come true.

Zaq and his 6 siblings
Arissa, Jesse
Aaron and Zaq
Stephanie, Richard and Hyrum

So my husband was born into a large family. A Dad and Mom that love their kids like crazy and just want them to experience the most out of life. Jesse came first served in the Marines and now works around the world for Industrial Light and Magic his dream job. Arissa arrived next she has two sons and is living in Texas taking over the real estate industry and selling like a mad man. Zaq came after that he served a mission in New Zealand and has worked for 20 years doing job after job trying to be able to provide for his family. Aaron followed shortly after and is a successful entrepreneur. Stephanie followed Aaron and she's living in Nevada right now finding herself. Then my in laws decided to have one more kid, which turned into twins. Hyrum and 4 minutes later Richard. I have never experienced a family this large just trying to succeed at life and the trials that come with it.

My mom and I

For me it's always just me and my mom taking on the world and trying not to kill each other when we each hit our cycles. Which has suited us until I got married. I have learned that with life comes the challenge of making people happy. But the thing is you can't make everyone happy. You can only make yourself happy. I would love to say that I am staying in Oregon and that we found a perfect house and Zaq is getting a better job than the one he's got right now, but that's just not what is happening.

Our situation is one that is hard to speak about so I haven't said too much. We moved out to Oregon with the plan that a roommate we housed in our first apartment in Utah would be employing Zaq as a Vice President of his company a posh title with a beautiful salary that was suppose to provide for this family. But the second we moved out here the job was lost. Our roommate severed all communication with us. He logs into facebook everyday and almost everyday I tell him good morning. I am one of those people that feels the need to have everyone like me. Now to my family this behavior seems nuts, but to me I know our friend means to do the best that he can, but for whatever reason things just fell through and rather than talk about it because he "song failed" he'd rather avoid the situation all together. A crappy situation, but Zaq and I don't hold any hard feelings towards our friend. We just pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off again. It's just the way we roll. During this time we've had the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints help in covering the money we lack to pay for our bills. We're hoping that by moving to Maryland this will cease to be an issue.

Joe (Arissa's husband) Arissa, Me and Zaq

Jesse, Rosanna (Jesse's Wife) Jackie and Hyrum

So my first experience with Zaq's village happened roughly 10 years ago. When we first got married we lived in Ojai California. We found a nice little apartment not too far away from Zaq's family that was all living with Jackie (Zaq's mom). In a little house that she was renting lived Jesse and Rosanna, Joe and Arissa, and Hyrum. I couldn't believe that so many people could live together without wanting to kill each other. Plus on top of that everyone had their own room with a door that always seemed shut. It was so foreign me to understand siblings. When Zaq and I were dating and we in the middle of our long distance relationship I would visit California every two months or so and to have Zaq followed around by his little brother Hyrum seemed so weird and strange to me. Now I understand that Hyrum would follow him like a puppy because Hyrum only wanted to be like his older brother. This was our weekly ritual go to dinner together. I believe this picture was taken on our last night of dinners together. I miss all these people so much. Just low key people that just want to live and be the best that they can be. Their rule in the house. No Drama. There were no problems back then it seemed. Just solid, down to earth people. But of course Zaq and I would move back to Utah only after living in California for three months. I felt bad, but Zaq felt (yes he follows his gut about where we should move and what is best for our family) that moving to Utah would be a good idea. So we moved back to Utah. We lived there for a year before Jackie and her beau came for a visit around the 2009 General Conference session in Salt Lake City. Jackie had told us how everyone had moved to Colorado and that not everyone was happy in their situation. So Zaq felt like being the galant hero and trying to rescue his mom from her situation.

David, Jackie and I Temple Square October 2009

Zaq, Arissa, Richard and Aaron
Poker night

So in 2009 we moved out to Colorado. We lived in a house with Arissa, Joe, Jackie, Zaq and I, then Hyrum moved in with us shortly after our arrival. We miraculously lived in harmony overall. We all lived with Arissa, so her rules ruled the house without question. But that was when Jackie and Hyrum and I got the idea to attend college. Jackie wanted to help Hyrum find a path in life. Help him find out what he wanted to do with his life. And I attended because I wanted to figure out what I wanted from this life. Did I want to become some successful CEO and take over the world? Did I want to become a nurse and tend to people in hospitals? Or did I just want to waste time until something else came along. I stupidly chose the later. I attended classes for a certificate in Medical Billing and Coding, but I could never understand how to code the first part of the doctors procedure. I could understand everything else. Just not that first part. And of course that coincided with us moving back to Utah because I was pregnant anyway so it became a moot point and just another 30,000 dollar debt that now my hubby has to pay off before we can actually ever buy our own house.

Zaq it's all fun and games until your wife puts your hair into pig tails
then it becomes hilarious

We actually tried again to live with Hyrum and Jackie and David when we were living to Provo, Utah, but no one could find a solid job that would provide for everyone so we split from the "group house" and went our separate ways for a few years. We took in Hyrum and I honestly can say I miss him, he was the perfect babysitter, hey look the kids are down for a nap I can run to the grocery store real quick and Hyrum can hold down the fort. It was nice, having one more person to help with the chores around the house. Plus the hilarious fun things like playing board games together or just vegging and watching a movie or tv show. But Hyrum wanted to join the Air Force and be the best that he could be. Jackie and David moved down to Ephraim, Utah and start being farmers. They rent a small apartment with a plot they've built for chickens and a small garden.

Aiden and Grandpa David gardening

So we're moving to Maryland to be closer to these awesome individuals that we've gone 4 years without living with. I think and hope and pray that we're doing the right thing for our family. It feels like a really good opportunity.

Zaq, Hyrum and Jackie
talking on the first night all of arrived in Colorado

This is the plan: For the first year Hyrum, Zaq, me and the kids are going to get a small apartment. Then in about a year or so David and Jackie are going to follow. Jackie and David want to help in taking care of the kids while doing missionary work at Ford Mead. What a blessing it will be to have in my life someone that will help comfort Alexander while I'm trying to do dishes. The pain of being a mom doing dishes for your family while you're six month old son cries his head off because you're not holding him. Plus because of Alexander's age I haven't been able to put Aiden first or Layoni first and get them in the right mind set of exploring the universe.

Zaq always use to tease me by saying that nothing compares to Washington DC and their museums, their fourth of July fireworks, their temple and their christmas temple lights, or the Cherry blossom festival. So now I get to experience those things with my kids.

I hope and wish and pray that I get to show the kids all the things that I could never even dream about seeing. Joseph Smith and Church history sites back east. Colonial sites. Let alone Gettysburg. Plus escaping and running away to New York to catch a Broadway play with my mother in law when we've gone crazy enough. I can't wait for my kids to experience a grandpa like what I did. I can't wait for them to have all these opportunities of learning and growing and for me to be able to put them first rather than putting the house work first, or their sibbling first. I'll have a village to help in raising my kids. A village that helps me and helps them. That have their own knowledge and experiences that they can pass down.

Aiden, Layoni and Alexander

To Aiden, Layoni, and Alexander. I want you to know that I love you, we're moving again, I know Aiden we keep moving, but mommy and daddy are really trying to find the best situation for us to raise you in. We're hoping that this it. Daddy has a job already lined up with a network friend he knows, so hopefully it lines up correctly and that we can do all the fun things we want to do more often. Aiden I want you to experience the most with living in Maryland and I hope I am able to teach you all the history that is so rich in this country. To Layoni I hope that I am able to teach you the same things and you can continue in your sweet and gentleness. Alexander I hope you grow up surrounded by your family and know that we all love you. 

To my Breeze Family in Utah - I love you, I'm sorry we're not moving back to Utah which is I know what your want, but its not something I want. At the end of the day the only thing I can be in control of is making myself happy. I can't make my mom happy, I can't make you happy that is something that you're in charge of.

To my Tuero Family that might read this - I'm sorry we're not closer. I could have gotten to know everyone and that I was raised with roots deep in this family, but just wasn't something that could have happened over night. But I am happy to know the family that I know and to be so loved with being an outsider. I love you all and hope to honor my father by loving my kids and making sure that they know who they are.

To my readers - sometimes in life you get run down by the everyday life of having a job that barely pays the bills or that barely gives you the bare essentials in this life. and who knows maybe you're wealthy beyond belief and are just reading this to reflect on how well you have it. To my readers just make yourself happy. I know that's a foreign concept to people, especially if you're anything like me. I am in the middle of trying to figure out what this move will bring to my life personally. I had a physical examination today and the doctor was asking me what do I do for physical exercise or weight control. And I truly couldn't answer her. I weigh 190 pounds, I've given up on looking like a super model. According to every study our there I'm obese, and the sad thing is I'm okay with it. Yeah sure I'd love to lose 50 pounds. But that would mean changing my eating habits (which lets be honest should really be changed, but I just don't want to) I eat eggos and nutella at least once every day. I have chocolate chip muffins for breakfast, I have a healthy turkey sandwich for lunch and whatever I choose to cook for dinner, which never has a single vegetable. Which means that my kids never eat vegetables. By the way just because I eat like a pig does not mean I feed my kids that crap. Luckily Aiden loves Bananas so we always have a supply of bananas around the house so when he gets hungry he gets a banana. And luckily God knows best because Alexander only gets the best nutrients from breast milk enough though I might not make the best choices when it comes to food. But hopefully once we get fully settled in Maryland I can begin focusing on better food, and better physical exercise for myself. I have gone 10 years in taking care of my husband and now my kids. I love that part of my life, but it would be nice to start working out in a gym or just walking without having a child strapped to my back for once. lol

Anyway I can hear Alexander getting hungry again. I look forward to the future and the new challenges that it will bring. I love traveling and the new atmosphere it provides.

My Childhood

Cathy Bustamante is my mom. She is an amazing mom. I will never be able to tell her and give her story
justice. Let alone thank her for everything that she has ever done for me in my life. And of course while
trying to rewrite this section she and I were in the middle of a fight. She got mad at me because I told her
that I didn't want to talk to her because she and I are boring people and we don't have enough to say to
each other to force an hour of talking to each other every week.

But back to being raised by Cathy. To the best of my knowledge Cathy has been in two intimate
relationships. One with my biological dad Martin. Followed by Raphael Bustamante. That being said
Cathy would always put my needs first before her own. As a parent I can see that being with your child
24 hours 7 days a week, yes your child drives you nuts because you do everything for that person to
make them happy, but it seems likes its never enough with children sometimes.

The relationship she shared with Martin was unhealthy due to the abuse that would occur while he was intoxicated. After the relationship ended between Cathy and Martin ended he decided to embrace himself and have the courage to come out as gay. Now whether he was gay or bisexual I honor him as my dad, I don't really care about what he identified as. In this day and age it doesn't make a difference as long as they are happy and respected that's the only goals in life that I would think that are worth achieving. Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.

I don't have a lot of memories of Martin, 3 to be exact. I will try and keep these in order so as to not confuse too many people reading this blog. The first memory of Martin that have is at age 7, 14, and 20.

The next relationship she had was with Raphael. An unhealthy one without a doubt. Ever two years they would separate, at which point she would live with her parent John and Judy. When we lived with Raphael it was a good time in the beginning of the relationship. Holidays were great, no expense spared, flowers and dinner for Valentines day and Christmas was a never ending celebration between putting up the tree and wrapping all the numerous presents that he would buy was a complete dream come true for a kid of seven. With Raphael when things were good, they were great. But when things turned they always turned for the worse.

Cathy was amazing through the good times and the bad times. She shielded me from a lot of the problems that she had while I was growing up. Between going back and forth between my grandparents house and going to our "family" house in West Valley Cathy wanted something to stay consistent in my life, so she choose my social life. I attended the same school and school district in entire education.

After returning from San Jose I attended an elementary school in John and Judy's district called Uintah Elementary. These are the first forming memories I have from around that time. I was about 7 when memories start forming more firmly in my head. At age 7 I had this bowl style haircut because my mom tried to cut my hair herself the one and only time she ever tried, I looked like a boy, to me this was the devastation of the century. I couldn't believe it that I had a boys haircut. Plus on top of that people around my kept calling me Chris, I hated it. During the school year I remember living with John and Judy because we lived in the "old" house, that's what every one started calling it after they moved out. I miss that house. You could see the Salt Lake Downtown sky line from the windows in my grandparents room in the front of the house. When my mom and I lived there I was so young that we actually shared a room. See that upper window off the side of the house? that was our room. I would wake up in the morning and find my grandma Judy sitting on a heating vent in the winter trying to warm up. During the summer though everyone would run to the top of the stairs where the swamp cooler would turn on and finally blow cool air through the house.

During this time period of ages 6-8 years old I was enrolled in a ballet class. I loved ballet class, but it
always seemed that they got me to "Suck in your tummy, and your tush, stand tall" I think was what they
would always say to everyone as we began class. I would see the older girls when I left class. Tall and
slender simply beautiful. I wished I could be like them beautiful and spirited and light on their feet so
delicate and graceful. I always pictured myself as a beautiful ballerina. Instead as a teenager I grew up
in the "band". I respectful group none the less, but truly a group that embraced being who we are.

While living in this house I first met my biological father. His name was Martin and I didn't know who he
was, I just knew that he was my "real" dad. I couldn't get any information after that. I can't remember
what we did when I met him, or how I felt I just knew that he was out there and I was here, and that to
me was all that mattered.

After living here, nothing was ever as good it felt. Although now that I think about it I'm sure that house
had it's problems just like every other house did. I can't imagine having little children in it currently, it
seemed so fragile in my day. It was a beautiful home to grow up in full of love, but also everything had a
place to be on display, nothing could ever been touched or messed with. Everything was cleaned and
tidy and well preserved. I remember my grandma having this silver coffee serving tray, she would polish
it and keep it preserved, but I to this day never remember her actually using it. Let along drinking coffee
she never that did, Grandpa on the other hand LOVED coffee, 10 cups a day even in the dead of
summer with 100 degrees boiling outside.

The new house was still in the sugar house area, just on the south side of Sugar House Park. Still within
range of everything that we were used to. The new house was smaller. Just a basement and main floor,
no hidden rooms or closets to lookout at. No big city view. No secret garden, just a regular house.
When my grandparents first moved in there they made friends with the neighbors. Even I made friends
with a couple that lived across the street. Mark and Tina Ottesen. The couple that invited me to attend
church with them and got me hooked to a community church in the neighborhood that felt nice and
inviting.

I attended the local school of Highland Park Elementary and then would walk home to my grandparents
house until my mom would come and pick me up to go back home to West Valley City. If I recall
correctly my "parents" were together for some of 6th grade until 8th grade somewhere in between there
they separated and we moved back in with my grandparents again. I never remember my mom bringing
my boxes and telling me pack up all my stuff we're moving. And I never remember her packing up my
stuff. With all the moving that we did I don't ever remember the details of how to got around. I just
remember the moving days when people from my family would show up to gather our stuff. I don't even
remember the moving trucks themselves.

I remember always having bad grades when my parents were together. Raphael rarely ever helped me do homework, so by the time we all got "home" everyone just wanted to veg and not think about the challenges that the next day would bring forward. While we lived my grandparents though I thrived in achieving good grades and being on the honor roll. I don't know why I went out of my way to please my grandparents versus my parents. I remember having a harder time living at home and not being depressed versus at my grandparents house where I could see my friends and it didn't seem that big of a deal to have friends over and hang out.

Shortly after buying the "new" house my grandpa retired from working at the Rocky Mountain Power
company. So that meant that I could spend my summer days with him. I loved it. I loved spending my
days with him because it was relaxing just sitting there on the front porch or patio just watching the sky
go by or watching the breeze blow through the trees. My summers always had schedules that needed
to be followed. 1 hour of typing, 1 hour of reading, 1 hour of project, (which was one summer was
puppets, then paper machete, and then the last summer project was clay I think) 1 hour of classes, and
1 hour of being outside.

Things just seemed easier being around my Grandpa than with anybody else. That being said, he could be bully and pick on people. Grandpa John didn't have a filter, if he thought chances are he would say it. He never believed in covering up how you felt or going around about it. If you don't like something say it. At least then it's out in the open. He would often pick on his children and the choices that they made in their lives. It often makes me wonder how he would view my life currently whether he would get along with Zaq or not. One wish is that these two men in my life could have met and gotten to know one another.

Anyway back to my childhood lol. During 6th grade my parents were living together again and living in
West Valley City. So in order for me to attend school in Salt Lake City my mom would wake me up at
5:00am to get dressed and eat something for breakfast after that we would leave and head to Salt Lake
City. She would drop me off and I would either a) fall back asleep, if I was truly tired, or b) I would
watch the classes cartoons gargoyles, x-men, batman which is usually what would happen. Then
around 7 or 8 I would get up and take off to either walk to school or catch the bus. Cathy on the other
hand would return to West Valley City to go to work from 7-4 and then take off from West Valley to go
to Salt Lake City to pick me up and then we would return home only to do the same thing again the
next day. I can't imagine the amount of gas that would take every week even now in these economic
times of gas costing 3.00 a gallon it's nuts to drive anywhere. I still love driving though. Love hoping
into the car with the kids and taking the scenic roads to get to the stores.

4th grade I remember being the new kid at school so I didn't want to get bullied, so I did the bulling, that lasted for all of five minutes before they threatened to call my mom then I quit it and stuck with what friends I could get. From what I can recall there was Julie and Melissa. The three of us would always stick together in elementary school and during recess and lunch. I was told then that I need to have glasses. I never wore them until 6th grade.

5th grade I remember we did a special teaching time about the titanic, and special classes from a
Japanese woman who would come and teach us origami and a few words in Japanese. I thought she
was so cool. I also remember being horribly embarrassed because one day there was a not sent
around class saying that I liked this certain boy, the sad thing I still remember his name being Garrett
one of the jocks at the time. The note finally made it around the class room straight to him, and of
course he was sitting across the desk from me, which made it even worse. After that the girl that
started the note, her house was on my path home, so I wrote on her fence that she was bitch, but her
dad caught me and that was another terrifying moment in my life, being caught doing something bad
by another parent. But nothing ever came of it luckily.

6th grade there was one other boy in my class with glasses. He was new to the school so I figured
since there was one other person with glasses I would be safe from being teased. But he blended in
with the popular kids, and I tried getting in at that time with the popular girls, but no such luck, so I
gave up. At that time my friends were Jessica, and Melissa still, and then began Kirsty and Brianne.
Melissa and Jessica were such lovely girls and never got into trouble. Brianne on the other hand as I
reflect back was bound to get me into trouble if we continued being friends, she moved I believe
because I can't remember her in junior high. Kirsty on the hand followed me into high school and that
were trouble for me started.

My childhood over all was good and well spent.